Jun's blog

Made in China

So here I was trying to make a point to my girlfriend on the essence of ‘Made in WHERE’ products. Typically the argument or mere sharing started with the fact that wedding photographers these days in Malaysia suck.  So here are the facts. Imagine there are this A and B. A says “I want to do shooting because I simply like doing it and it feels good doing it”. And viola, the result is astonishing. Comparing to B, “ I do it because of money and I like cheating people’s money”. Well the result has to be different. The ‘feel’ is not there. Practically B just wants to finish the job. And that explains why Blondies’ photos are that nice; I am typically referring to non-Asians here. And the photos from Ah Chu and Ah Kao from Malaysia all look the same.

So photography is those things which deal hand in hand with ‘feel’. I cannot seem to find a better word than that at the moment. Take another example, ‘Made in China’ and ‘Made in USA’ products; both with the same materials for productions. The end results would still be different. Attitude is everything. One working on something with the mentality to complete it asap to catch timeline for more money and therefore lacks commitment and lacks quality. And the other one, probably the other way around; now imagine.

Everyone can shoot. Point and shoot. But what differentiate one from the other. Take a look for yourself.

http://www.birgithart.com/

http://www.vimeo.com/7870561

http://www.bonnie-yap.com/

And of course what I am showing here are those really good ones. And one of them is actually a Malaysian. And it would be really unfair for me to judge everyone the same in Malaysia. But there are probably some really good ones, but the ratio is a zillion to one, biasing towards the ‘dark’ side. Everyone is simply jumping into the opportunity of making money; by simply getting a SLR. And asking colleagues around in office when are they getting married and promoting their photography ‘sessions’ with the brides and bridegrooms to be.  There are so many of them out there, it just a trend. WE like trends and most importantly, this one trend actually delivers the ‘Return of Investment’.

And honestly, I have no idea why am I bitching about all these. I guess I could just let it be. But since it was an argument or merely a sharing with my girlfriend, I have decided instead to pen it down properly.

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Numb

I am still numb. Lazy to check whether I am duplicating the title somewhere in my blog. 

Numb at my job, numb at people getting mad at me for no reason, numb at my photos. I probably should really stop talking altogether, stop dinner altogether. Just seem to be the right things to do. 

Somewhere down there....

Keeping this short. Really exhausted. 

While playing badminton just now, I was losing like mad. Then got me thinking. I mean everyone noticed something was very wrong with me. I just so damn demotivated. Yeah I am damn demotivated, so I figured out. 

I know I am always fighting for a lost cause. I've been fighting for 3 long years at work ever since I got stuck where I am  now. 3 years I was hoping that someone please fucking justify my work accordingly with money. And I know my old boss is going after me, thus next April, marks another sucking year. I am just too exhausted Oct 2009 right now to do anything, moreover to fight? 

I've been searching every damn where for something. I ate, I went after food cause something I could look forward to. Awkwardly so I wanted Ramli Burger after dinner but I was too lazy to walk to the store. Hahaha. Dammit. I realize I've been really really looking and searching. for everything for everything, something I can smell and feel and look forward to, maybe? And I just want to leave the island and go back KL every weekend. That's all I am looking forward to. But when Monday comes, I am stuck again. 

Call it pride, call it pride. But I won't want to be left behind in my career. Call it pride. But problem is, I can't even fucking leave my company cause the company owns me now. I am even chasing after time. Time which I feel is something I lack. Something that I fear I am losing out to people, losing to myself which I ought to achieve. If next year sucks, I am practically hoping for something which was given to me 2 years ago but I so stupidly rejected. I am on a dead end. 1 wrong move in life, really goodbye. Well I might not even get it next year for something I should have gotten 2 years ago. Hahahaha. Ironic? 

1 last thing. I get annoyed by every damn little thing now. Just that I am too fucking tired and another sidetrack would burst me into annoyance. Dammit.... 

Take your time, think a lot.

I have choices in life after all. No idea any of those would come true. But I have choices. Live a life finding every single cent out there. Which I think I should pursue. If luck doesn't permit, yeah I have my camera and my writings to fall to. Grow old and remember that my life, my existence actually did make another life live on. 

My life so far; when I was young, I never listened. I couldn't help it cause noone really cared to tell. At least the right things. And noone wanted to listen, so I never told. So I made all the wrong decisions in life. And I learnt from it. So what? What could I do with them? Write a book? Then shit happened when some bitch left me which left a big scar in myself and I was so emo and changed me completely. It made me who I am. A song made my tears soaking my eyes. A song which reminded me as if yesterday or a while ago I was driving my car parking at the third storey and couldn't get out of the car listening to the same song again and again. 

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When that relieved, now it seems that my career (which I still believe it should never be called one) is hitting deep bottom. At least it feels so. Which now I am emo for wasting my time. Now I feel stuck in the middle of nowhere. 

Now I realized that the one I thought I found might not share the weirdness in me. I am weird alright. So I don't know whether the rest of the world share obstacles in life as well, but I am tired, maybe so is everyone. I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. So is everyone? I am going to say no. No. The problem is I am a psycho and weird downing pills for psychopath. To suppress the many angles I look at things. I've seen too much shit in life that made my life so complicated. Someone wants money.... everyone does in this region of the world. If only I am as simple as that. I am just too complicated in a bad way. I cry when people laugh and I laugh when others cry. I don't fit anywhere I go. I am being very nice to everyone, make no mistakes of that. But I just feel I don't fit. 

Guess I thought a lot but I didn't take my time. 

Dream a little dream

Dream a little dream

Realistic vs Dreamy..... hahahaha.... it's ridiculous. Yes I finally agree that all the female species are realistic. Money money. Kinda remind me of what Luke said.... 'she won't come back unless I am rich'. Too bad I am more to the dreamy side. Well I got suppressed in my career for don't know what reason. And someone even spreading stuffs like I talked big at work and never committed to it. Wow, honestly that really saddened me. To a certain uncertainty, I wish I can just screw my career (now I don't even consider it as one) and just live my dreamy life. Let the bullet flies across me and I tell stories about how the bullet missed me. 

But of course the world is realistic. At least staying in this country makes everyone realistic. And it's saddening that somehow I have wasted so much of my life working for something but end up with a sorrowful ending. In a way never had I tasted success, looking back now. But it ends that badly. So ultimately I would just be a dreamy person as I always want to be. Live a dream. I want to take photos and write stories. Simple as that. Why was I even thinking my life would actually mean something to anyone when I put my life at risk while living my dream. Noone would care when I live my dream. 

So I am worrying when will I live my dream, at the same time worrying how much I would have to let go while living my dream. To find someone to share my dream? Hahahaha... not in this universe. Yeah pretty much I find myself a loser now... hahahaha... 

A person is measured by the amount of wealth, like it or not. And after all these years, I learn that it's ok to kill for it. Trust me, it's really ok. But I just want to be a dreamy guy. At least for now. And for awhile.

My profile

Taking all the wrong turns in life left me here exhausted and feeling out of touch. If I am to faced with them again on choices basis, I would have made the same stupid choices again as there would be nothing to learn from it. As I could never see any of those coming.

And yeah... shit happens non-stop. Really fuck my career. 

The Bed

Some scars are really scars. Enough to make one feel like it happened just yesterday when it happened like 8-9 months ago. This video reminds me of my emo bed in Austin, in my emo room. I was lying there thinking day and night of everything. It was a comfy bed no less. I cried on it, I messed it up enough to make it feel more comfy. I looked at the mirror behind it and saw a ghost of myself. Lying there and I was thinking of the video. Apparently the video captivated me more than the song. So I vowed the next time I date someone, I would get a video camera. Do some recording for memories sake. In case shit happens again, I still have the memories. I was really messed up I guess so of course I was thinking all kind of shits. And I was imagining me in the video. Taking the video of the girl and ended up.... I was messed up for sure I guess.... Sigh 

Secondhand Serenade - Fall For You

Fighting for a cause? Nah.....

Wilted flower. Here I am. I really wish I could have a reason to 'fight for a cause'. Just tired. 

Everyone has their own problems I suppose. But just that everyone in my company seems to living okay. Shit only happens to me to the extreme. I just wanted a simple change of job and all sorts of shit befall upon me. 

Everyone seems to get jobs as easily as they want. I wanted some jobs but somehow I could never get. Somehow I also don't know why. Hate my current job and hate the environment I am being put into, or forced into. I don't want to be here at this 'place' at the first place. 

Odd thing is, someone might have some experiences in high school, in college to write songs about. I envy that too. Somehow I had no song to write about. Well I had one actually, but I moved on so fast to another relationship. So yeah, incomplete song. Well just that I realize I can't live that dream anymore. What a sad truth. I am in mid age now? I don't know. Where everyone around me here in this place is thinking about getting a house, building a family, and I am still trying to survive my boss's wrath. Sigh. And the now me has nothing to fight for, nothing. So I really don't know anything, what to do....... 

Belonging

I don't belong here. I tried, but I don't belong here. I really tried. Down with drugs that take away my sense of non-nonsense-ness. Longing to find a place I actually do belong. Probably there isn't one. But for all I know this is not the place I should be. 

I am an alien whenever I get out of this country, at least what I thought each time I was back here. And returning to the same place made me felt that, I had no alien feeling. I feel like an alien here, the country I was born in. Maybe I just feel alien for being in a place 5 years plus, away from home. Thought I could develop my career, I ended up feeling enlightenment that whatever I achieved here is nothing much that I should continue fighting for. So insignificant that betrays my capability as a human being, as a worker. It just feels so as recent incidents made me think the 'enlightenment' of nobody-ness. I think I could become more than I am now. Everyone probably thinks so. By my case, is pure cut simple to decipher with the fact that it was my boss that was hindering my growth for at least 3 years. The same enlightenment that a typical MIT student would arrive at after 2 years of journey. It took me 5 years. And I might excuse that to the fact that I am here where I am. There ain't enough opportunities out there that I can swim around. I simply had no choice. My boss needed me to go US to be under him all these while. So that's 1 of the 'no choice' issue. Well what to do, bonding happens only here. 

So here I am after 5 years. At the worst ever condition. I guess when life sucks, it merely follow on from there on, Newton's 1st Law. The awkwardness of stopping to turning into something opposite. Had a nervous breakdown half a year ago for some bitch, had another 1 for ..... After 5 years, ended up with some lunatic drugs and nothing-ness. Everybody says I am good at what I do. Well probably except 1 person in office who thinks he himself is god. He's an ass for all I care. I just hate his attitude thought he MIGHT be good, for fuck I care. And I am starting to think I am pretty good at what I do. So what? So what? Life isn't that fair. When shit happens, it happens all the way till 1 dies. 

So the enlightenment brought me to the fact that, I really wish to fuck everything, just do something, anything, doesn't even have to put the money factor in it. I am just tired fighting for nothing-ness. Fuck everyone, you guys can fight for fucks, I don't fucking care. Simply because, I know I will fall short in my pursue, so why pursue at the first fucking place. And yes, my drugs do amplify the 'fuck-ness' in me. Somehow the 'fuck-ness' is not even appropriate in this context of writing. 

i will listen

i can see. i can see. don't let the vision blurs me out. i can see. i can see. where i should go. i can see. i can see. 

I Will Listen