Jun's blog

Redundancies in life

To begin, lets see, I have no idea why I need money so much now. Kinda falling in love with it. Maybe I am in this country for too long at any period of time. Lets see, 1.5 years straight here. Never had I needed to be stay here for so long at any one time for many years. So now, money is all-fucking-important. Dammit!!! So right, instead of reading Transmit and Receive, here am I writing craps. Problem is, if ever my kids want to do engineering, I'll kick them in the arses. Do business or something. I know people for doing nothing and getting paid more than I am, as a business fella. So why on earth go do some professional courses like engineering. Low salaries, no perks, and they are in Penang of all places, super high living expenses; 2X on houses; that says it all. 

And then, it's way much easier for business fellas of all disciplines (mind you, you don't have to graduate either) to get a decent job in Spore. Really!!! So now there's no hope for me in Penang (well I can't promote anymore) and I can't seem to leave. Wow.. Amazing.. The more I think about it, probably I should have done Law; as being my first choice. At least probably I love doing what I do. So now I have no nothing in my choice of field and I just grumble, and I can't leave for shit. Amazing. Yeah I probably need my MBA or my PHD... dammit.... who's going to pay for my utilities bill every month??? 

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A lot of things running through me. I have a million of them in my mind. Not that anyone notices. Even the closest person doesn't seem to. I am really amazed that I could still sleep at night. Maybe the tiredness is creeping to me every night. 

Maybe stress, maybe I don't know what. No words to explain anything at all. I just wish to be lying down in autumn somewhere and think of something else. Maybe I should just be emo. I don't feel loved, I don't feel anything at all. Maybe I just need some pity. It feels like hell awaits me every morning I wake up. I can't focus on anything as I guess too many of them to focus at any one time. 

One day I just wish to be rich, another minute I just want nothing. She's losing me. She's not feeling me anymore. Guess what, the thing that came into my mind now is dunhill. My friend throughout my toughest times. Probably I should put the dunhill story up on GivesMeHope. And yeah, hope is something I am losing by the days. 

So I wanted so much to cry out. I didn't. Ended up I had tears while reading GivesMeHope. 

Numb...

Ehh... getting a bit numb recently... parked my car and I was walking towards futsal. And I was late. And some asshole pressed the pedal so hard and reversed onto my car. Amazing... And guess what, we talked for a minute, and he just left... wtf... anyway I was numb... Besides some scratches on my bumper... and it fell a bit lower than usual... so I didn't bother to think about it. Something quite unusual. Just that, now I probably thinking of re-spraying my whole car, considering my back bumper's paint is getting shitty and my bonet is as shitty as it gets. So still wanna spend money on my stupid car. I don't know. I guess I still need to fix my stupid tire. Dammit brand new set and requires fixing. Haihzzz..... 

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Noticeably, maybe I am numb.. or I am just too tightened up, didn't really took any shots these days. Sigh.. And the something worth taking is this. My blister for the day and the torn part. Mind me, it came off by itself. Haha.. dammit.. how do I play badminton tomorrow.... 

I am down

Blackhawk down? I am down. I declare myself so. As of this very moment. I am down. 

Now my heart has already decided to leave, so going back to work everyday makes me feel like I am half dead... waiting for the day to end. But at the same time, the offer letter never seems to come and I can't just switch my mood to work nicely on my current job because I know it's a dead end. 1 year from now... I'll be dead as well here. It just won't be any more growth and the dept is re-organizing, so different manager coming on board, thus noone can promise me anything anymore. 

And of course I told this to someone so she might understand when I am down. But guess what, I'm a creep to her, I guess. It's probably so difficult to understand. She said she'll be there when I am on my nervous breakdown. She doesn't full understand to be there for me. Her sound mind doesn't seem to pity me and be there for me. So I guess, at the end of the day I am still down. On med currently, thank you shrink. 

She doesn't understand either, I don't know why, that everything I am doing now is to make our lives sustainable, probably with a family. And the burden is enormous. All the pressure is boiling down to 1 thing, I need money. But it likes to run away from me. 

She's stressed up herself with work and I am not considerate enough to be there for her as I believe I myself am down. It really feels much better to just nervous breakdown. Suck to be so, but yeah, it's good feeling. 

Stressed over fucking what?

Dammit... waiting for an offer letter can be that stressful. Dammit. Yeah suddenly money is all important to me. I can't help it, really just blending in. But fuck, common, I am leaving this weekend and won't be back, and fuck, refreshing my mail for them to actually ask me over to collect my offer letter, so I can throw letter and have a nice vacation, is so damn difficult. Why the fuck they take so fucking long to process 1 letter!!!! They wanted me fast, and now I believe it has been a month since CNY when they told me the offer is on. 1 month for 1 offer letter, gimme a break. And here you have a manager asking me to send him this and that, and then HR asking for same shit. Yeah blame it on HR. But fuck, I am fucking tired. Dammit. I wasn't even waiting for the other company who hasn't promise anything yet. Fuck man... I am chasing time, time, time.... or the circumstances have to turn that I need to chase that thing - time... 

Suddenly I have nothing to blame. Sigh.... Just that I can't survive where I am now. Not enough for me to survive, big commitments, there also time is chasing all the way. And I have no idea why everything never seems alright, even at the final stage of just waiting for an offer letter. And yeah fuck, no fucking news from the job I really want, a bit odd as that guy should still reply even if I don't get the job. But well maybe he'll reply when I am in Europe. So I guess I have to carry my laptop around. Worst of all, I lost his number, great.

As if my life really is a fucking test all the way. I am getting a fucking heart attack soon.... 

0.7V in rampage....

I was noticing for awhile. The number of Malaysian's deemed glorious cars - BMWs, Civics, Minis and etc, they are really a lot on the roads. Then it came to my senses that, a lot of others are really making it. Really capable people with the right salaries and money subsequently. 

And in the afternoon, I was having lunch in Delicious Bangsar Village. And everyone, and I mean literally everyone around me were on Blackberries, Iphones and etc. Then I realized the same fact. Actually my previous assumption that everyone was trying to brag; apparently not. They really have the cash. Since yesterday it really hit me that, I am really not making enough, ain't right, I worked hard, I worked smart, I contributed. Luck apparently is that essential, I guess. It hit me so hard that I barely can move my feet, so Julia was commenting why was I dragging my feet to much today. 

And now I am getting ready to attend my friend's wedding, and will be seeing my successful friends, how motivating... 

0.7V yet again

Still 0.7V, now it seems to be my only hope; at least knowing that I am still stuck here and all I need to do is to get out of here, my saturation. Funnily so, went for an interview in the morning with some local company. So the chinaman commented my salary is so low for an engineer with 6 years experience with an American company. I couldn't agree more but still it's a sad truth, a sad hit on the face. Anyway I won't be working with that chinaman, by all means even if he hires; with some real low pay I assume. Comment aside but he's not even willing to pay. It's doomsday working for him, so it's ok, just wasted a day of my leave. 

I mean dude, what's wrong with me. A period of shit, a long period of shit dedicated for the bitch, and now another period of shit dedicated for my career. Dammit. I just want a peaceful life with my ends meet. Age is catching up and I am fucking old and now the 0.7V sustaining. Worst of all, I really hate my job. Not the people, just the job, somehow. 

So I was driving Julia back from work. And I was thinking, I really need to get out of the country. It's hopeless for people like me. But how? 

And my appetite is damn good today, or since yesterday. Maybe due to mild depression. 

someone you used to know

everytime i listen to this song, gives me the flashback. really sad just to remember how sad i was. kinda hard to tell about it when noone has gone through the same experience; the 'infinite sadness'. been awhile and lost count how long it was. but i still remember how badly wounded i was. simply sad to know i was that sad. 

courtesy of luke of course for the song... hahahahaha.. and i remember i blogged about the song somewhere in my blog. wont bother to look it out; i just know i didnt post the video out. 

Someone You Used to Know (Original Song)

"Darling, it would be unfair

to stay with something no longer there" 

suddenly this part makes so much sense to me....... 

and thinking bout it, prolly i should be in haiti right now. there's where i belong right now. 

0.7V

Wanted to write this for a long time, but been real messy with life itself. So why not do something and complete it for once, I thought. Dammit. Had a drink with LM last Tuesday and he came out with the idea of 0.7V, quite astonishing, brilliant. 

Anyway I am damn unmotivated to wake up to go to work. Gimme a break, no increment last year and still you want to give me 3-5%. Damn, I have never gotten that before. Something fucking new to me. And all because I changed department? And some political shit I had to go through? Lets see, wasn't I working for the same company as well previously? 

And so LM was saying I am just stuck at 0.7V. Dammit. Anyway I was driving back home, and I was thinking me writing my final mail; my farewell mail. Damn, I can't wait for that day to come. My life for the past 6 years has really pretty much been a waste. And I am really really eager to write that mail; something like finally my final mail. "Finally I get to write this email, sorry for my incapability, but I am really happy to pen this mail". 

Everything feels damn stupid. I mean going into lab is stupid. I don't even get to sit on my own cube. Sigh. And of course pressure, kinda pressured, suddenly I really need money. 

Basically this is some sort of my pitiful miserable biography. How the hell I started off like the diode curve but ended up at 0.7V. Started happily I guess, full of hope, and now I don't know what is going on. Thinking back, I was so eager to learn, thinking that when I have gotten the knowledge then I would be appreciated. Naive. Ironically, when people looked at FA, that was it, end of story, end of everything. Then I was thinking, working for the company might give me the edge, but of course, apparently it didn't matter. So tell me what was the point me coming here to work at the first place. Really really long 0.7V. And then I went for some interview with the coolest department in Intel, I met up with some interviewer who would never hire me. Out of so many people, I got him. Damn. Why do I keep banging at the wrong things, 0.7V is really tough. Ridiculous. 

Getting a job in Singapore? Damn, I can't even get a job in KL. All I do is to apply them, and then? And even going to Europe is going to dampen my only offer in Penang with some company, apparently it prolongs me joining them and they might not be able to wait. So I might not be able to move there eventually. Job is gone and I am really doing everything I can. 

I really wish I can tell myself while driving on the Penang bridge for the last time; adious. I've been thinking of that since the first day I entered the company. I've given up all my dreams simply because I am incapable. What else should I let go? My sanity? 

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Time of my life....

After all the beatings and all the bruises, and I am indeed dumb enough to realize only now that

I am really wasting my time. How many periods of 6 years I have left in my life.